I know I just made a post about male failing in the last mega, but it happened again today and when I got home I started crying from happiness.

I was specifically wearing a sweater and jeans from my old, male life, and no make-up, because I was at the post-office picking up a package addressed to deadname and I was worried they would need ID, so I wanted to appear male. Everything is normal until I give my signature, then the guy looks completely confused and asks "deadname is you??", and I realise he thought I was picking up the package for someone else, and I have to explain that it is in fact me and I didn't write the wrong name.

At first I was like why the fuck would this guy be suprised I'm the package recipient when I'm the one picking it up???, then in about a minute I realised it has to be because he thought the name didn't fit me, which could pretty much only be because of gender.

When it happened once last week it could have been a fluke, but now it happened a second time just days later and it feels like it can't be a coincidence. I read so many places to keep your expectations in check and that often you won't see too many changes from HRT until at least 12 months, but it hasn't even been 12 weeks yet. And while I know timelines are very individual, I just internalized that it would take a long time for me because I didn't want to be let down from high expectations, and now I don't know how to deal with this insane amount of gender euphoria.

my trans coworker today who i thought was a soft demsoc: "china good, v*aush bad, cuba good, social democracy is the moderate wing of fascism (came to this conclusion without knowing the quote), market economy bad, socialism good, river to the sea"

me:

2 separate people called me "my daughter" in the market yesterday, very cool

down with cis

drive four hours round-trip to get more estrogen before the move

ambushed with surprise labs i couldn't do bc i had just done my injection earlier that same day

come home and open relaxation box to chill out

the box is full of transphobia

NEW MEGATHREAD GET IN NERDS

I have come to a new and considerable conclusion recently: tfw no cat tail, tfw no cat ears. Idk, catgirls just seem to have more fun, and even as a kid I can remeber thinking humans should have tails cause it'd just be better, right? The cat ears seem like a logical addition, of course.

tfw no cat ears tfw no cat tail

my depression hoodie my gym hoodie my dysphoria hoodie

all being the same damn hoodie. to a real one

<-- bearer of the curse (deep ass voice)

I gotta say that this community is the best one I've ever been a part of. You folks put a smile on my face every week. Never change

they lasered my face for the first time today!

the doctor told me that my skin was VERY white, and i was like

hurt like a motherfucker and i still have the awful smell in my nostrils BUT my chin has never been this fucking smooooooth baybeeeeeee!!

I'm wearing make up today instead of being lazy. It's nice

Finally on my second E shot and I feel so much better. I'm pretty sure it has more to do with comfort and less to do with anything physiological but w/e i'm vibing and that's what really matters.

I feel like my vocal progress is sooooo slow even though i only really practice in my car on the drive home so of course it's gonna be slow. But stiiiill. It doesn't help that my voice is probably the biggest block i have mentally in terms of furthering my social presentation/transition. I know some trans women rock their testosterone voice but I absolutely can not.

Also i think i'm finally getting over the imposter syndrome-ish feelings around calling myself trans or at least transfem. I'm still unsure if I want to fully embrace transwoman/woman as a label since those feel incredibly loaded and also I don't feel like I deserve them/they suit me? idk this shits hard even after internalizing it all for the last 5 years

ALSO GOT APPROVED FOR ELECTROLYSIS BY MY INSURANCE SO THAT'S SO EXCITING. I just need to get over the adhd hump and actually call the closest place to me to check if they have any openings before actually scheduling anything.

Oh look at the time

Got called "my daughter" again in the post office while picking up a package

Glory to trans woman!

if i'm in a community space and i'm having heaps of emotional labour put onto me, does that make me a heckin' valid woman

yes

it sucks

I scheduled my orchi today!

hate when people make fun of how i talk

I'm kinda scared I was all wrong all along and am actually cis :(

Body dysphoria suuuuuuuuucks I wish I could easily change things about my body

I've been questioning my gender recently and think I might be trans, but I worry that it is for the wrong reasons. I've been depressed for a long time and I'm idealizing womanhood/being a woman as a way out. I dream that through transitioning I will become more inherently lovable, more capable of loving, less lonely, more beautiful, more alive.

More than anything I wish I could 'know' what I'm meant to be, what steps I can take to be happier.

Anthrocon is awesome and their registration department is amazing. Very understanding and wonderful.

So my wife and myself have gone to Anthrocon every single year since 2011. It is our only vacation we do for ourselves and we always have a good time. We always get our registration done and over with as soon as possible. Last year we had to skip Anthrocon because of my fiancé’s bottom surgery. Which is fine. They allow deferment for one year, so we deferred it to this year. However, we can’t go this year because of my bottom surgery’s recovery time going right through the convention. I knew it was against policy and messaged them on a whim, being as honest as possible about it. They got back to me today and said they deferred it to next year for me even though it’s against policy. That makes me super happy cause I don't want to flush $220 down the toilet. Still can’t believe they did this for me.

looking back on it, "idk it's probably the autism" did an extraordinary amount of heavy lifting that kept the egg from cracking, but also like, no, none of it makes sense in hindsight. Autism takes many, many, many forms but I don't think dysmorphia is one of them

The doctor that saw me for my pre-op exam for my bottom surgery is a vile bastard.

My Endo tripled my HRT injection amount. I did the first large injection last week, and since then it's been interesting. I basically feel really good most of the time except I cry about something ridiculous once or twice a day. Last night it was a really tasty bowl of soup.

I'm happy to be on a higher dose, but I do wonder why they started me so low. I'd been on pills for quite a while. The doctor agreed that it was obvious I should go up, but then why did she start me there in the first place? Having low estrogen is objectively a bigger risk than slightly high estrogen. Idk it just feels a bit incompetent.

I've been trying out different pronouns here, partially to give-myself space to think about gender differently.

I keep coming back to the thought, whats the point of a mamel if you don't have mammary glands. Is that... silly? It feels silly.

Hiiii, hows everybody doing, hopefully good. Anyways have a nice week 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🥰🥰🥰🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️

I was driving that ship but I was too busy transing my gender to pay attention

Sorry everyone

went with a new name/pronouns with the MTG group yesterday. Not super sure about either of them but it was fun to do something new/femme like that

if only John Q. Chucklefuck wouldn't take 20 fucking minutes per turn with his 5 landfalls/turn omnath deck

Idk if it's because I changed my hrt dose/method or because seasonal depression is finally lifting (prob both) but I've felt SO GOOD physically over the last few weeks. Like I'm bubbly and bouncy and loud and I love it.

Also, finally comfortable wearing a dress in public- 2 years into my transition and it finally happened, I get to feel cute now. Interesting how much of my resistance to that was internal- in my most intense period of questioning before the one that led to my egg cracking, I actually bought a dress just to see, and I didn't feel anything and I went back deeper into the closet. It feels like I'm finally getting the feeling I was expecting to get then

Oh also I've been gone from here for a couple months because I was getting really wrapped up in just super intense transmisogymy on tumblr. That part wasn't so good

The regrettable reddit argument I started ended up better than I expected. The transmed person was relentlessly downvoted after basically saying enby trans people just need to get in line and be more acceptable lol. I expected it to go worse, but the transmed person went mask off pretty much immediately

I just finished Omori. I can't believe I made it to the end. What a fantastic game, but holy hells, and I cannot stress this enough, you need to be of a truly level mind before ever considering to play this game. It earned its psychological horror tag for a reason AND its content warning when you boot it up is there for a reason. HEED THESE WARNINGS IF YOU EVER DESIRE TO PLAY IT.

All that said, the ending made me cry very hard. I don't think I cried that hard about anything pre-HRT. I'm still kinda crying actually and I finished it about an hour ago. Stellar game. Absolutely beautifully crafted piece of art. ;w;

decided i wanted to try masochism about the same week i realized i want to trans my gender. i got an epilator off the internet so now i can do both at the same time!

Saw love lies bleeding. Let me tell all of you, I have not had a greater experience of gender envy than witnessing Jackie on screen. She is so fucking pretty and she's so huge. That right there is my goal and always has been. I need to lift more though, I try to work out every day and the other problem is that she looks so femme while being so ripped where as when I'm ripped I look so masc. But fundamentally we have similar faces I just need more fat on mine, and it was kind of exciting seeing someone so gorgeous with my face shape and jaw line.

Idk. Maybe I should just say fuck it and get huge and keep taking estrogen and just hope it works out.